This story is dedicated to anyone who may be sitting on the fence as I did for so long. Some of you know me. I was raised in the SDA Reform Movement and I had a great childhood. But, as I grew up, I thought my parents were too strict with me, so I drifted away from God. Then, when I was married to Ken, who was not an Adventist, I asked that my name be taken off the church books. I was sad, but the established rules had to be complied with. That happened in 1986.

I had everything I ever wanted (so I thought) and, in my imagination, I was having a great time and, seeking to enjoy life, I tried many things in the world. I loved to shop, so I shopped, and shopped, and shopped. But that didn’t make me happy. It was nice being around our friends; but, when they left, I felt empty again. We bought our first house in Redlands (California), and it was a great house. I thought this would be a blast - decorating, shopping for the house, and so on. We finished everything that was to be done on it, and it looked beautiful. I thought we could look at it and pat ourselves on the back. What a great job we had done! But I felt that something more important was missing. There was nothing in the world that I wanted more than a child (so I thought). A year later we had our first little girl (Ashley). We were both working and taking care of her. She was incredible, and we loved her to death. I forgot all about my emptiness for a long time.

We moved to Modesto in 1993. Then everything seemed to fall apart on us, and I felt miserable. Why? I had a husband whom I loved and who loved me. We had a wonderful daughter. What else could I desire? We started going to church where we met a lot of people who are still our friends. I got very busy with my design business. Things seemed to be improving and I started feeling better as I had a sense of belonging. Then we had our second little girl (Kristi), who was the apple of my eye. Our family seemed complete and perfect. I thought life couldn’t be better. When you have children, life doesn’t seem dull. I went shopping more often than before - especially for the kids. They had everything and anything a child could ever need or want. And I spent lots of money on clothes, jewelry, and other stuff, hoping that these things would make me happy or at least fill the void that existed in my life. When I was down or depressed, I’d go shopping; it would give me a “fix.” But I was under a terrible illusion. The next day came and went, and I felt dejected again. We had friends over all the time, and we had parties quite a bit. There was a lot of fun. But I felt emptier and emptier every day.

In 1998 my conscience bothered me so much that I thought I was losing my mind. I could not sleep at night thinking that there had to be something more important to life than money or shopping or fun. In my heart I knew what it was, but I was too stubborn to admit it and too lazy to do anything about it. The actual problem was that I needed to restore my broken relationship with the Lord. In the past I had tried many times to get off the fence and do what I thought was right. I actually tried to get rid of jewelry, stop wearing pants, put away makeup. But, after a few months had gone by, these things would come back into my life with pangs of self-rebuke. I can’t even describe the emptiness I felt in my heart in the second half of 1998. I had never felt so empty in my whole life. Before, every time I renounced something, I felt better for about a month. But this time I had an overwhelming feeling of self-reproach that wouldn’t go away.

One day while I was working on the Children’s Sabbath School Lessons, making the design and the layout, my attention was attracted to the main subject presented in the quarterly - the life and crucifixion of Christ. I read the whole lesson, word by word, and every page made me cry. The Holy Spirit was touching my heart. I knew the story, because I had learned it as a child, but this time there was a difference. All I could think of was Jesus on the cross dying for my sins. And in my mind I could see the fate reserved for the people who rejected Him.

While that picture was still in my subconscious, one Sabbath we (the whole family) went to our Sacramento church. After the service, while we were outside talking, my Dad said: “Sometimes I feel that all my life’s work has been in vain.” I objected: “No! That’s not true,” without knowing what I was going to do within the next few days.

The following week, my mom handed Ken a pile of literature from which I snatched the little book Finding Peace Within (Steps to Christ). After having read a few chapters, one day, August 17, 1998, I had an overpowering feeling (I can hardly describe it) that the Holy Spirit was appealing to me to surrender my heart to Jesus. As I kept on reading, I understood that procrastination is dangerous (Hebrews 3:15). I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I went into my room and spent a long time on my knees, crying out my soul to God. I said: “Lord, if You give me another chance, I’ll give my heart and soul to You.” My husband was already at work and our children were still in bed. Although I did not know whether the crisis I was going through on that day was for real or not, I now understand that I was in the valley of decision. I prayed hard to obtain from the Lord the assurance that He had forgiven me and accepted me. I read in the book: “Believe that the Lord forgives you and He will.” That’s all I needed.

As I continued reading the book morning and evening, I was giving up things left and right. One night it occurred to me that I had to put away also my miniskirts, which I loved to wear. What a horrible thought! I read that, when we give our will to God, He will make all the changes with our consent and cooperation. So I asked God to make me willing to get rid of any of my clothes that were not proper for a Christian. The next morning I felt relieved when I got rid of piles of clothes. But what was I going to wear from now on? I kept reading. The third night I called my mom and told her about my decision. She said: “You made my day and my life.” Needless to say, she was very happy and probably a little shocked.

I told my oldest daughter, Ashley, that I had given my heart to Jesus and that, consequently, there were going to be some changes. I said to her that we were going to keep the Sabbath holy and, therefore, we weren’t going to do the things we shouldn’t do on the Lord’s day. She said: “Wow, Mom, you really have changed already.” That night she told me she had also given her heart to Jesus, because she wanted to go to heaven with me. She asked me: “Did you tell Dad yet?” I said: “No.” She asked: “Do you think he will be mad at us?” I told her not to worry but to pray to the Lord that everything would work out to His honor and glory.

Ashley’s question began bothering me. How was I going to tell Ken? A few days elapsed before I decided to talk to him and said: “Please forgive me for having been such a bad wife and mom.” He had no idea what I was talking about. He said I was a great wife and mom. Then I explained to him: “I’ve felt empty for so many years, and now I decided to make room for that which has been missing in my life.” He was shocked to see that I had concealed my unhappy feelings for years. I made it plain to him that I wanted to walk with the Lord and quit being a religious hypocrite. He knew that I believed in Jesus and in the need to keep all the commandments of God, including the fourth, which tells us to sanctify the Lord’s Sabbath. In this area we had been inconsistent. We went to church every Sabbath, but came home and did our own things. He said: “Whatever you do, I’ll support you.” I guess he didn’t realize at that time what was implied in my decision.

I was very quiet about telling anyone that I had accepted Jesus in my heart. I asked my mom if I should get up in front of the church and make a public declaration. She said I didn’t have to do that because my decision was a thing between God and me. Through my mom, another friend soon heard about my conversion; so she called me on the phone as she wanted to know more about it. At first I was very cautious and didn’t say much, because I still had doubts as to whether all this was real. I mentioned to her that particular children’s lesson which had helped me make my decision.

As I kept reading the little book Finding Peace Within, I found an answer to every question which popped up in my mind. I read that when you accept Jesus, you won’t be able to keep it to yourself. This statement made me feel guilty because, up to that date, I had not been missionary-minded. But now I got a box of paperbacks, the same little book that I was reading, and made a goal for myself to give at least one copy to someone every day.

A few weeks later I took the next step forward and upward: I told Ken that I wouldn’t be drinking wine and coffee anymore. All he did was shake his head, as if he wanted to say: “Girl, you have lost your mind. We have known each other for fourteen years, and in a couple of weeks you have changed so much. I hope you won’t change to the point of my not knowing who you are anymore. You’re turning into a fanatic.” I told him I would never push anything on him as I never did before, but that I had to obey the word of God.

One day my conscience told me that I shouldn’t wear eye makeup. I got up in the morning and took a look at myself in the mirror. I was shocked. Without thinking I said to myself. “No way! I can’t go out looking like this. I might scare someone.” The next morning, the same thing happened again. I felt like saying to God: “Lord, how can You ask me to go out in public looking like this? I know You don’t want me to be ugly, do You?” I felt that this was a huge thing I had to give up, and I hesitated for a while, trying to deceive myself with the thought: “Surely, this won’t keep me out of heaven.” But I was conscious of the will of God on this point also. So, distressed as I was in that crisis, I told Satan to leave me alone, because I now belonged to Jesus. Then I said to our daughters: “Look at my face, Do you like me better with or without makeup?” Both answered: “We love you without makeup; you look sooo much younger.” Ken said to me: “I noticed you’re not wearing any makeup. Is there a reason?” I said to him: “I’m getting fat, old, and ugly; and someone told me that I looked younger without makeup.” He hugged me and said he did not think I was getting fat and old, and that I was beautiful with or without makeup. Nevertheless, when I looked in the mirror, I thought that, without makeup, I was horrible. So I prayed to God day and night, asking Him to take that impression away from me. After three days, the Lord gave me the victory. That miserable feeling went away.

I am thankful to God for giving me a second chance. The emptiness that I felt before, when I was alienated from the Lord, is gone forever. No more illusions. Now I enjoy genuine happiness. I know that my conversion was nothing short of a miracle. No one influenced me directly - not my parents, not my friends, not the church. God Himself did it. Now, when I read the Bible and the Spirit of Prophecy books, I feel very close to God. I thank Him every day that He brought me back to the fountain of living waters. I also thank the Lord every day for my parents, who were praying for me continually that I might find the way back to Him who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.