You and I are composite beings made up of our physical body, mental abilities, spirituality, beliefs, experiences, emotions, hereditary and cultivated habits. This all makes you, YOU!
Have you ever had a bad fall resulting in bruising, sprain, cut, or a broken bone? Did you notice that after the injury you were very careful to protect that place? It is natural to not want to be hurt again, especially in the same place. Even when the wound has healed, you will still be careful to not repeat the injury.
The same happens with our emotional life. Events happen in our lives, some traumatic, some pleasant, some dealt with, some not. Have you ever wondered at someone's reaction? Or perhaps wondered at your own reactions, thoughts, and feelings, towards something or someone? Why does that particular person bother me so? Or why did that reasonably small comment create such a big reaction? Do you ever wonder, where did that come from? Oftentimes, there's more to the reaction than meets the eye.
Let's take a look at the story of a friend of mine to help illustrate this point more fully. (Details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.)
The Story of the Woman
You’ve probably met someone like her—intelligent, hard working, and willing to help others (at least to some degree). She seemed to really want to do what was right, attended church faithfully, gave to charitable organizations, read the Bible and seemed to want to practice what she read.
Sometimes she seemed a little over-reactive to others' opinions if they differed from her own. There were times that you felt close to her, but then all of sudden she pulled away or pushed you away. Or maybe in the midst of others, she would lash out at you. You wondered what you did to warrant the reaction.
Sometimes, when we come into contact with people like this—keep in mind this person may be ourselves—we feel the desire to not deal with them anymore.
Let’s say you cannot run away. Circumstances are such that this person is a part of your family or work situation, your parent, spouse, neighbor, fellow church member, or yourself. Then what?
Once you are willing to care, you will likely find a root cause to the reactions.
A superficial knowledge or assessment of someone can make you judge them. Yet, we could be wrongly deducing the situation. Remember, the Bible warns, ‘judge not, lest you be judged’. There’s more beneath the surface, and we are only able to see through our own filters, which often keep us from seeing the full picture.
As I got to know my friend better, I uncovered key factors behind why she kept me at arm's length. I discovered a want of parental love and presence, verbal, physical, emotional abuse, neglect, trauma, loss, and financial and emotional betrayal.
Meeting this person, you would find her somewhat reserved, sometimes harsh, sometimes opinionated, sometimes kind, and you would have no idea what to expect or why.
Taking the time to understand the past, I could understand her present reactions better.
There was an emotional wound, deep, raw, and unconscious that was affecting her thoughts of herself, her relationships with others, her peace, and even her sense of acceptance with God.
In the development of a child, our Creator designed that there should be loving, kind, trusting relationships that nurture the baby to adulthood, showing empathy, comfort, care, and support. But we live in a sin-cursed world, and this is not always the case. In my friend's life, the trust factor was broken by those who should have been trustworthy, emotional growth was stagnated, and the love switch was turned off in self-defense.
She could be told by others and through God’s Word that she was loved, but she didn’t believe it. Nothing in her database was corresponding with those words. They didn’t make sense to her emotional experience.
One day, God worked a change in her life. She had been separated from her son when he was a child. In 30 years, she barely had a chance to see her son, much less connect with him. Lies were told to both mother and son to keep them apart, causing the relationship to become strained at best and animus at times.
One day, mother and son were together and had just had a major fight in my presence. Both had reached a point of exhaustion and decided to quit trying.
I knew I had to do something. I asked God for wisdom and intervened. After 4 hours of talking with each other and allowing them to voice their hurt, the pain of their separation, and the lies that had been told them, they reached the realization of their love for each other. The love switch was turned back on! It was amazing to watch the difference in tone, word, and look. Now, they could understand that they were loved. The pain had been brought to the surface and they could forgive and be healed! The experience of forgiveness and the healing it brings—that is what God wants for each of us.
Unless the underlying issues are dealt with, all of the advice in the world isn’t helpful. My friend had never truly dealt with her pain and therefore, never truly found peace. She heard numerous sermons, had read hundreds of inspirational material, but something had been missing.
Are there things in your life that have wounded you and affected how you relate to others and to yourself? Has trust been broken, have there been violations against you that inhibit you from getting close to others, that keep you from understanding that you have a Creator who cares and who wants to heal those hurts?
As Christians, we talk often about dying to self and becoming more like Jesus. We pray to be changed. We see that we get angry sometimes, or defensive, or critical but don’t seem to change. Why? Is it our willingness that is lacking? Is it the power of God that is weak? No, I don’t believe so. There are wounds hidden deep that must be addressed. Dealing with this hurt and our flaws is part of sanctification.
I believe that God intends to use other people, His Word, and His Holy Spirit to help us identify, not just the symptoms, but the underlying problems, to deal with the pain, the frustration, the consequences, and to be set free from the bondage of sin.
Then, we will be able to have love and compassion for others. We will see people as others who need support and help, not sinners in need of condemnation, threats of punishment and isolation. Then, we can be more like Jesus and dead to self.