Eros is the love between a man and a woman, which embraces longing, craving, and desire. Eros is romance or a state of being “in love.”

Storgos is the love of kindred, especially between parents and children. It is also the love that an animal has for its offspring. It is a love of obligation.

Philia is friendship. From the verb form phileo comes the word Philadelphia - “brotherly love” or “brotherly kindness.” Eros makes lovers - -phileo makes friends. Eros is a face-to-face relationship while philia is a shoulder-to-shoulder relationship.

Agape is from the verb agapao, which means “to love, to be full of goodwill and exhibit the same; to have a preference for, wish well to, regard the welfare of.” It is “based on sincere appreciation and high regard.” Agape is a mental attitude motivated by a deliberate choice. It is not defined in terms of the emotional. It’s a freewill predilection. This kind of love is always equated, not with what one feels, but with what one does. It is something you do. “If you love Me, you will obey My commandments” (John 14:15). Agape is unconquerable benevolence, undefeatable good will. It gives and sacrifices even for those undeserving (Romans 5:6-10). It is “divine love.”

Let us now define love by the everyday standard. Harper’s Bible Dictionary says love is a relationship of self-giving. It has nothing to do with response. It is one-sided and is not affected by circumstances or situations.

Webster defines love in many ways, depending on its precise context. “Love” can be defined as: 1. Strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties; attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests. 2. Warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion. 3. The object of attachment, devotion, or admiration. 4. Unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. The definition doesn’t say that emotion drives it, because it is not desirous of receiving love or benefiting from it. Love is defined here as something that you do for the good of someone else without hope of reward.

Love comes in various shapes and sizes. The love between spouses is different from the love for the family. The love of people is different from the love of God. The love we have for material things, such as computers, cars, or houses, is qualitatively different from our love for friends and family. Love is an essential element in our existence from the moment we are born. As we grow through the various stages and cycles of life, we experience different needs and seek different forms of love. The infant seeks nurture - the child, responsiveness - the preadolescent, a close friend - the teenager, friendship with the other sex - and the adult, a spouse. We never outgrow our need for any of these forms of love, especially in the family circle. Heartfelt love is not limited to what we can get from it but what we can give to it.

The Bible points to the greatest love of all - God’s love - -which is the key to total life transformation (Galatians 5:22-25). Love is the very first fruit of God’s Holy Spirit. It is a gift. “The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto us” (Romans 5:5). The entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 is referred to as “The Love Chapter.” Verses 1-3 state that the gifts of prophecy, faith, language, knowledge, and sacrifice all are worthless without the gift of love. Love is not a rule but a motive. Love does not tell a Christian what to do but how to do it.

The love that God imparts to us is not based upon our desire to receive something but upon an unwavering commitment. This is true love. In society today we hear people say, “Yes, I got married but I am not in love anymore.” That is not love, for love does not change. It is impossible to love someone before the wedding and not after the marriage has been consummated.

Love is life’s greatest gift and essential. Love puts pride and claims aside, and does not expect anything but love in return. Love understands that sharing is one of the greatest things in which one can rejoice. Love is unconditional, altruistic, and unselfish. It is not stubborn or overbearing, and it does not insist on its own way. Love is honesty; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love is friendship, companionship, affection, undying devotion, and more. Love is caring, kind, and patient. Love is not resentful, but forgiving, understanding, and believing. Love is giving, inspiring, and supporting. Love is the free and complete expression of oneself to another. Love is open to the other person’s expression. Love endures all, hopes all, and bears all. True love never ends.

Love has growing interest in and appreciation for the other person. Love assumes an increasing responsibility for others. Love respects their feelings, ideas, and individual personalities. Love is responsive to their purposes, characteristics, and emotions. Love is sympathetic and understanding. Love is of divine origin and can reach its highest achievement only in the lives of true Christians. Love is something that does not happen instantly. Love involves experiences into which one must grow.

There is no such thing as love at first sight. Often there is an attraction between him and her that may grow into love as the two become better acquainted with each other, which may take time. They may not recognize the transition from attraction to love, but the original attraction is not and cannot be love. Love is too big, too deep, and too all-embracing to spring up in an instant. If you truly love someone for marriage purposes, you must know that person well.

While there is much emotion in connection with love, love is not emotion. “Love is a precious gift, which we receive from Jesus. Pure and holy affection is not a feeling, but a principle.”1

“True love is a high and holy principle, altogether different in character from that love which is awakened by impulse, and which suddenly dies when severely tested.”2

Love is not something that you can whisper to another person whom you have only met for a short period of time. A man who doesn’t know a woman very well yet says, “I love you,” has a very self-centered motivation: he wants to use her for his own pleasure. He is lying. This is not true love; it’s a deception.

Today, society has changed the definition of words with reference to feelings and has also changed into a curse the blessings that God has given us. The world is filled with weak people who do not want to toil and sweat but only seek easy and pleasant things. Not too many are prepared to face difficulties, pressure, and opposition. Genuine love requires all of these things. Love is willing to pay the price. Abraham loved his son but he loved God more, to such a point that he was willing to obey God. And, as a result of his obedience, he was chosen to be the ancestor of Him through whom the whole world was to receive great blessings (Genesis 12:3; 22:18; Galatians 3:8, 16).

As mentioned above, Christ said: “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15). This is an action that has nothing to do with feelings or emotions. A young man came to me for counseling and said, “I am in love with a particular person.” I asked him, “How do you know that you are in love?” He said, “Because when I’m in her presence, my heart beats like an engine, my blood pressure rises, my pulse races, and I can’t think.” I told him, “You are not in love. You are sick. You need to go to the hospital.” That was not love. That was only a short-lived emotion. If you put yourself into the place of that young man, you will notice that, after a while, your feelings subside, and you say you’re not in love any more. This form of “love” is only an emotional reaction; it is a physical problem. We should not do anything based on emotions alone, because, when emotions change, so does our commitment.

Today many people understand that love belongs to the category of lust - a greedy, self-centered, and abusive disposition. Young men follow young women because they lust for them; they don’t love them. They don’t know what love really is. Their interest is not in giving but in taking advantage. Sooner or later, such relationships turn sour.

Love is not blind to principle, or duty, or responsibility. Love is not a surrender of one’s personality and individuality to be dominated by another. Before entering into a true love relationship, one must disentangle the confusion caused by those who try to identify true love with infatuation. Here are a few points to be considered:

Simple infatuation is often called a “crush” or “puppy love.”

Romantic infatuation is often called “romantic love.”

Biological interest is a deep biological drive that seeks some erotic expression.

Real love exists when your strong tender feelings for the other person are balanced by reason and deep respect.

Romantic infatuation is very dangerous because young people easily fool themselves by acting out their intense feelings and biological urges. Romantic feeling is false or counterfeit “love.” If you are infatuated, your emotions will be in charge. In real love, your reason rules your emotions. However, people easily confuse real love with romantic infatuation, because both have one thing in common - strong feelings of attachment to the other person.

Infatuation can be diagnosed by the following symptoms:

1. In infatuation your main interest is likely to be in the other person’s physical aspects. The main stress is on things you can perceive right away - what you see, hear, smell, taste or touch. A marriage based only on such an attraction will not last long.

2. The factors that attract you are relatively few. Just the smile! Just the handsome look or pretty face! Just the lovely hair! Just the funny talk or jokes!

3. It tends to start fast. There is no such thing as “love at first sight.” It stops the same way it starts - fast.

4. A couple’s interest in each other fluctuates a lot. One day you feel sure this is the right person for marriage. Then you develop doubts and wonder if you should date another young woman/or young man for a while, to test your feelings more.

5. It causes a disorganizing and destructive effect on your personality. Infatuation makes you less effective, less efficient, and degrades your real self. Infatuation is irresponsible and fails to consider the future consequences of today’s actions.

6. You live in a “two-person world” - yourself and the one you think you love. You tend to neglect your family and pay little or no attention to your friends. You turn a deaf ear to your friends, parents, teachers, or your boss. You fail to do your homework. “Romantic love” is of such central concern to yourself that you allow nothing to stand in its way. “Two persons become acquainted; they are infatuated with each other, and their whole attention is absorbed. Reason is blinded, and judgment is overthrown. They will not submit to any advice or control, but insist on having their own way, regardless of consequences. Like some epidemic, or contagion, that must run its course is the infatuation that possesses them; and there seems to be no such thing as putting a stop to it.”3

7. Infatuation blinds your eyes to the defects of the other person. You tend to idolize your partner. No one can tell you anything wrong about the object of your affections. At best you won’t believe the warnings of those who try to help you. If you are infatuated, you will defend him or her against all negative remarks. You will not admit that he or she has any faults.

8. You two may have big problems and obstacles to cope with - different religions, hopes, values, family, and cultural backgrounds. Danger signals by the dozens! Yet you are not concerned. You don’t feel the need to think about these enormous hazards before marriage. You think that somehow everything will come out all right.

Real love can be identified as follows:

1. Your interest is in his or her total personality.

2. Many qualities of the other person attract you. You like not only the way he or she looks and talks, but also the way he or she thinks and feels about things and other people.4

3. It starts slowly. Studies have shown that the longer the period of courtship and engagement, the better the chances for success in a marriage. In some places the courtship or engagement lasts for years, sometimes even 5 to 10 years. (While this is neither ideal nor at all recommended, the reasoning behind it reflects an attitude and state of mind from which many can learn.)

4. The relationship tends to even out existing differences, and interest in each other becomes consistent.

5. It has an organizing and constructive effect on your personality. It brings out the best in you.

6. It does not stop suddenly. It takes a long time to end such a relationship and it takes a long time to get over it.

7. You admit the faults of the other person, but love him or her in spite of the evident defects.

8. As it is with infatuation, so it is in real love: The one you love may well be the most important person to you. But there is a big difference. In true love, you don’t abandon or neglect your other relationships. Instead, you just add the new relationship to all the others you already have. It becomes a plus, not a replacement. You still maintain good ties with your family, your friends, and your teachers. You are not in a “two-person world.”

No, but infatuation is. Infatuation, like other extreme emotions, such as anger, hate, and fear, distorts thinking. “Those who are actuated by true love are neither unreasonable nor blind. . . . Love . . . is not unreasonable; it is not blind. It is pure and holy. But the passion of the natural heart is another thing altogether. While pure love will take God into all its plans, and will be in perfect harmony with the Spirit of God, passion will be headstrong, rash, unreasonable, defiant of all restraint, and will make the object of its choice an idol. . . . True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. On the contrary, it is calm and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.”5

True love is a plant that needs cultivation. Therefore, before assuming any commitment, do your “homework” thoroughly and put some questions to yourself if you desire to have a happy union. This will help you to avoid future distress and grief. Before you yield your affections, ask: Does he or she have a mother? What is her character like? Does he or she recognize his or her obligations to her? Is he or she mindful of her wishes and happiness? If he or she does not respect and honor his or her mother, will he or she manifest respect, kindness, attention, and love toward you? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he or she love you still? Will he or she be patient with your mistakes, or will he or she be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes.

Many unhappy marriages, which end in divorce, have their roots in infatuation and biological interest only - sometimes known as “great chemistry.” Most youth are not sure what real love is. Age and maturity lend no immunity against infatuation, which can affect anyone. Our youth should be educated away from this folly, which is called infatuation, and from another danger, namely, one-sided love, which doesn’t work.

“There is but little real, genuine, devoted, pure love. This precious article is very rare. Passion is termed love.”6

• Strong interest. Cultivate a strong feeling for each other.

• Respect and admiration. Hold each other in high regard.

• Friendship and fellowship. Have many things in common.

• Self-giving devotion. Practice mutual love despite each other’s faults.

• Affection. Offer to your partner a shoulder to cry on when burdens are too heavy to bear alone.

“Love is a plant of heavenly growth, and it must be fostered and nourished. Affectionate hearts, truthful, loving words, will make happy families and exert an elevating influence upon all who come within the sphere of their influence.”7

“The ideas of courtship have their foundation in erroneous ideas concerning marriage. They follow impulse and blind passion. The courtship is carried on in a spirit of flirtation. . . . The youth trust altogether too much to impulse. They should not give themselves away too easily, nor be captivated too readily by the winning exterior of the lover. Courtship as carried on in this age is a scheme of deception and hypocrisy, with which the enemy of souls has far more to do than the Lord. Good common sense is needed here if anywhere; but the fact is, it has little to do in the matter.”8

The present-day social order has developed what we can call “recreational dating.” Men and women go from one relationship to another, sometimes with a marriage oath easily taken and readily broken. I compare this dating system to a lady going to the supermarket. She looks at the products, chooses a nice one, puts it into the basket, takes it home, and tries it out. If she is not satisfied, she returns it (no questions asked!) and chooses a different brand. What a culture!

There can be no solid relationship on such a foundation. A marriage commitment is a liability, and there is no way you can get in and out of it without hurt and pain. Human beings are very fragile in their ability to reach out to others. God created us with a need to be wanted, to be appreciated, to be cared for, and to be loved. And when a man or a woman becomes part of a relationship that is later broken, even if the wound heals, a painful scar still remains. Not only is the pain felt - there is also a sense of reserve or caution built into the injured person, who will never again feel free to open up to another human being, because he or she has been betrayed and taken advantage of. Such negative experiences affect the woman more often than the man. Obviously, this kind of wrong dating and vicious courtship does not work and, as a result, the family relationship becomes weaker and weaker. Once you enter this dangerous zone, you are very vulnerable. God has promised to protect us if we walk in His ways and take the marriage oath seriously. The marriage covenant, entered into according to the plan of God, builds a fence around our sacred family relationship and keeps it from pain, shame, and hurt.

To face the mentioned danger, we have counsels from the pen of inspiration:

1. Avoid becoming lovesick. “Imagination, lovesick sentimentalism, should be guarded against as would be the leprosy.”9

2. “Turn your mind away from romantic projects.”10

3. Do not daydream. “Think right thoughts, and you will perform right actions.”11

4. Do not keep late hours. “These hours of midnight dissipation, in this age of depravity, frequently lead to the ruin of both parties thus engaged.”12

5. Do not trifle with hearts. “To trifle with hearts is a crime of no small magnitude in the sight of a holy God.”13

6. Avoid the first downward step. “When one commandment of the Decalogue is broken, the downward steps are almost certain. When once the barriers of female modesty are removed, the basest licentiousness does not appear exceeding sinful.”14

7. Do not step into forbidden ground. Do not permit familiarity. . . . “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).

8. Obtain vigilant self-instruction, and bring yourself under self-control.

If we want to enjoy and practice true love, we must follow the rules that God has established for us. It is very clear in the Scriptures that God has set a pattern for the preparation of our children to carry responsibilities. How can we allow our boys and girls to follow the customs of the world in dating when we know that they can’t control their emotions? Most teenagers today have never been taught to control anything. When they wish to have something they scream or pout like a little child. And they generally get what they demand from their indulgent parents who end up saying, “Let’s give them what they want, right or wrong, to keep them happy.” That’s the philosophy sanctioned by society today. To any opposition offered by their spoiled brats, parents respond by giving in. Then our children become the rulers of the house and presume to be qualified to point out the direction that we are to take. To save them from a course that would make them useless in the world, useless in the family, and useless even to themselves, we should teach them to be submissive and responsible.

Marriage is a sacred vow. We are to enter into it with utmost reverence and the highest respect. We cannot make jokes about it or consider it lightly. And we also need to prepare our children for this very, very sacred step. One of the reasons why the world is in a distressful condition is that fathers and mothers have not prepared their offspring for one of the most important relationships that God has created for mankind.

The social system prevalent in the world today encourages emotional attachments. Such a thing should not be countenanced by Christian parents. And our children are not ready for that. They need to grow up with us first. They don’t need infatuations, commitments, crushes, and other things that cloud their romantic picture. They must first be trained. And, when they are mature enough to enter into a marriage relationship, this should be done with the assistance of the God-fearing parents, within the circumscription of the home, and not on an individual basis with puppy love.

Biblically, a courting couple has no right to assume a commitment and make marriage arrangements without first consulting father and mother. When the right principle is followed, a lot of misunderstandings, hurts, and pains can be avoided. In this sense, it is our duty as parents to help prepare the young generation for the problems that they will have to face in the world. The system of the world is falling apart. If the people of the world want to go on with their method, we will not stop them. However, our enlightened conscience tells us that we become losers if we try to imitate them. We do not need the example of worldlings who are involved in broken relationships as a model to follow.

God patterned the man to protect the woman and to provide for her. She is to face the brunt, the pain, and the sorrow. But too heavy of a burden is not to be placed upon her. To spare her a great deal of suffering, God’s provision, the husband, is to help her, cover her, and protect her. This is true love, which is to continue throughout the lifelong marriage relationship. This is what God wants Christians to understand and practice.

“A house with love in it, where love is expressed in words and looks and deeds, is a place where angels love to manifest their presence, and hallow the scene by rays of light from glory. . . . Love should be seen in the looks and manners, and heard in the tones of the voice.”15

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God” (1 John 4:7).

A serious missionary work needs to be done in the home and in the church. This is where those who have received Christ are to show what grace has done and can do for them. A larger measure of divine influence is needed, so that the home on earth may become a symbol of the home in heaven. The church needs all the spiritual force that can be obtained, that all the members of the Lord’s family, young and old, may be edified and prepared for the coming events and for the kingdom of glory.