As soon as I had completed a talk for the youth on the subject of engagement and marriage, a young lady took me aside and said, “I need to talk with you.” Once at the office of the church, she began, “Brother, if I would have known the first steps about marriage—those you just taught, I am sure that I could have avoided a lot of my problems.” The conversation continued and, at the end, it was clear that the message to the youth had been profitable, especially for her.
The steps presented which had somehow been new to her, to which she had not given the proper importance before, were basically two:
1. In seeking a future spouse, one should watch for three main characteristics:
a. That the person loves God above all things
b. That he or she have good health (no chronic diseases), and
c. That they be good, hard workers.
2. Before saying “yes” to finalize the engagement, the parents should be consulted in the decision.
When the couple takes into consideration the counsels based on the book Messages to Young People, as mentioned above, the marriage has much better chance of being a happy one.
Sometimes it may seem to a young person that no one around them meets the above criteria. So in haste and discontentment, they may fall into the following trap:
“The thought of marriage seems to have a bewitching power upon the minds of many of the youth. Two persons become acquainted; they are infatuated with each other, and their whole attention is absorbed. Reason is blinded, and judgment is overthrown. They will not submit to any advice or control, but insist on having their own way, regardless of consequences. Like some epidemic, or contagion, that must run its course, is the infatuation that possesses them; and there seems to be no such thing as putting a stop to it. Perhaps there are those around them who realize that, should the parties interested be united in marriage, it could only result in lifelong unhappiness. But entreaties and exhortations are given in vain. Perhaps, by such a union, the usefulness of one whom God would bless in His service, will be crippled and destroyed; but reasoning and persuasion are alike unheeded. All that can be said by men and women of experience proves ineffectual; it is powerless to change the decision to which their desires have led them. They lose interest in the prayer meeting, and in everything that pertains to religion. They are wholly infatuated with each other, and the duties of life are neglected, as if they were matters of little concern. Night after night, these young people burn the midnight oil to talk with each other—in reference to subjects of serious and solemn interest?—O no. Rather of frivolous things, that are of no importance. Satan’s angels are keeping watch with those who devote a large share of the night to courting. Could they have their eyes opened, they would see an angel making a record of their words and acts. The laws of health and modesty are violated. It would be more appropriate to let some of the hours of courtship before marriage run through the married life. But as a general thing, marriage ends all the devotion manifested during the days of courtship. These hours of midnight dissipation, in this age of depravity, frequently lead to the ruin of both parties thus engaged. Satan exults, and God is dishonored when men and women dishonor themselves. The good name of honor is sacrificed under the spell of this infatuation, and the marriage of such persons cannot be solemnized under the approval of God. They are married because passion moved them, and when the novelty of the affair is over, they will begin to realize what they have done. In six months after the vows are spoken, their sentiments toward each other have undergone a change. Each has learned in married life more of the character of the companion chosen. Each discovers imperfections that, during the blindness and folly of their former association, were not apparent. The promises at the altar do not bind them together. In consequence of hasty marriages, even among the professed people of God, there are separations, divorces, and great confusion in the church.”—The Review and Herald, Sept. 25, 1888.
“Unsanctified marriages are filling up the ranks of Sabbathkeepers. God wants His children to be happy, and, if they would learn of Him, He would save them from the daily misery which comes in consequence of these unhappy unions. Many marriages can only be productive of misery; and yet the minds of the youth run in this channel because Satan leads them there, making them believe that they must be married in order to be happy, when they have not the ability to control themselves or support a family. Those who are not willing to adapt themselves to each other’s disposition, so as to avoid unpleasant differences and contentions, should not take the step. But this is one of the alluring snares of the last days, in which thousands are ruined for this life and the next. Imagination, lovesick sentimentalism, should be guarded against as would be the leprosy. Very many of the young men and women in this age of the world are lacking in virtue; therefore great caution is needed.”—Testimonies, vol. 5, pp. 122, 123.
“It is the special work of Satan in these last days to take possession of the minds of youth, to corrupt the thoughts, and inflame the passions; for he knows that by so doing he can lead to impure actions, and thus all the noble faculties of the mind will become debased, and he can control them to suit his own purposes. All are free moral agents, and as such they must train their thoughts to run in the right channel. The first work of those who would reform is to purify the imagination. Our meditations should be such as will elevate the mind. ‘Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things’ (Philippians 4:8). Here is a wide field in which the mind can safely range. If Satan seeks to turn it to low and sensual things, bring it back. When corrupt imaginings seek to gain possession of your mind, flee to the throne of grace, and pray for strength from heaven. By the grace of Christ it is possible for us to reject impure thoughts. Jesus will attract the mind, purify the thoughts, and cleanse the heart from every secret sin. ‘The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God; . . . casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ’ (1 Corinthians 10:4, 5.)”—Christian Temperance and Bible Hygiene, p. 136.
Youth should seek the advice of the older brethren, and this should be done with prayer, confidence and respect; not only on matrimonial subjects but also on many other aspects of life. “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel” (Proverbs 27:9).
In the days of Elisha, a group of students from the school of the prophets, worrying that the place of studies was too small, decided to go to the river Jordan and cut wood to remodel the school. Elisha, their teacher, was invited to accompany them in this project. He happily accepted the invitation. For sure, he was a pleasant companion and a great helper in time of need.
When one of the students lost the axe in the Jordan, no one knew what to do and nearly considered it to be lost. In distress, the young man involved went to the prophet: “Alas, master! for it was borrowed. And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim. Therefore said he, Take it up to thee. And he put out his hand, and took it” (2 Kings 6:5–7).
This is a Bible account showing the importance of the presence of older ones among the youth, above all, when influential and important projects are to be accomplished.
It is always wise to consult family members and older brothers in Christ, because they have already traveled most of life’s road, and some may be ending their journey. Therefore they are ready to guide the youth and point out dangers along the way or show them what precautions to take, or provide encouragement on the pathway ahead.
It has been repeated over and over that after God, the greatest love shown is that of a mother toward her child—we can add, the parents’ love toward their children. They are always ready and anxious to grant the best counsel and to help their children, because they want them to be happy.
God and His holy angels are watching for the well-being of our souls, and they also want our joy and eternal happiness. Therefore, besides giving us all the guidance and counseling, it is safe to put all our plans in the hands of God because He will work in our behalf.
“My son [or daughter], hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck” (Proverbs 1:8, 9).